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Saturday, 21 November 2009
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Friendship Today
Of late, I've been observing the kind of friends my father has and the kind of friends I've had all my life, and based on my observation, on my myopic world, here's my take on friendship today.
My dad is in his 60's and his best friends are about the same, plus minus 5 years or so. My friends on the other hand range from 22 to about mid 50's. Most of my friends however are around early to mid 20's.
Now, get this... I am in my mid 30's... and have very few friends my age. I am therefore standing on middle ground and seeing very different kinds of friendship take place before my eyes.
I will say that today's friendship... i.e. amongst the young generation is like everything else in today's world that we live in. The display window is full and pretty but the store room is empty.
People pose themselves as friends, behave like they treasure friendship, prop up and look immaculate so as to be fit for a perfect friend... ahhhhhh such utopia. Friends, like hand phones are their fashion statement, status symbol and props they put around themselves.
Friendships are dressed with lots of hugs and kisses, sweet text messages, kind little acts, presents and romantic do's. Text messages are punctuated with "xoxo", "muaks" and "hugs and kisses," but when trouble hits, watch and see all your friends flee. 99.9% of the friends in today's world are fair weather friends.
Indeed, the young and restless are restless at heart... always looking for ways to surround themselves with pretty, handsome and cool people.
There is no more room to be weak and honest and really real in front of our friends. Well, with some we could, but it's extremely rare. Perhaps only 1 out of 50 of your closest friends. And even so, there's a shallow limit to how much they can take. Any extra load would break the friendship and tarnish the healthy respect. Yes, the display window promised this and that...but the truth is... the store room's empty...
Peel away the candy coat and all you'll see is a socially bankrupt generation, void of love and true friendship. No wonder the world is full of transient friendships. People don't have the stamina to go the distance with anyone anymore. They feel chocked and overburdened easily.
Ah... friendships are puddle deep these days. Splash! And the water has ran dry...
In a big way, it's because we live in a world of transient relationships where boys and girls treat each other like supermarkets, handbags and the dressing room. Everything we do is for selfish reasons, by the rules as we want them instead of mutual ones. That's why the "try first" culture is so prevalent and marriages are breaking up left right center.
Today, everybody wants to be popular and be everybody's friend. So loyalty and faithfulness is out the window.
Indeed, the Bible has warned that in the last days, the love of many will grow cold. And it has begun... manifested over and over again, among other things, in the friendships we see today.
My father's friends on the other hand stick with him through thick and thin. They dirty their hands and go deep down into the abyss with him and bravely fight off all "attacks: until he is completely turn around.
While I'm not perfect, I belong to this category of friends. And that means, I live in a lonely world. Very few else is like me. It used to be that good looks were rare and good friends were plenty. Today, good looks are everywhere but good friends are rare.
Ha ha, I am rare... but rare and lonely then. No one will understand the breath and length of what I will go through for a friend. And perhaps, it would be better for me to not know either, so that I would expect nothing in return. The Bible has warned that we ought to give with our "right hand without our left hand knowing." That verse says 2 things to me: that it is extremely desirable to give and expect nothing in return, but it is extremely difficult to do that.
Perhaps then the perfect formula is this: to be a really good friend, you'll have to first be God's really good friend so that all your expectations and reliance falls on Jesus and Jesus alone.
Perhaps I'll give it a try or perhaps I'll never dare again... for I have indeed lost trust in people... good .... bad... who knows.... only the Author and Finisher of my faith has the answer : )
And at the end of it all, if I have but 1 friend, I am blessed already. And indeed I am. Because the Lord is my faithful friend who has gone to the depths of hell to deliver me... again and again and again. And my dear wife, ... though not perfect, has stayed by my side despite the barbs and thorns that I wear around me all these years.
The weight (physical and emptional) that I've lugged around all this years she has beared, though at times unwillingly but nevertheless has stcuk with me through it all. Glory to God! My love for her has not been in vain. Trully as the Word had promised, "He who loves his wife loves himself."
Yes, there are exceptions... but extremely few and far in between.
And indeed, I'm not alone. Jesus Himself was abandoned and neglected the moment He got into "deep trouble." When He was made sin... all His friends fled. Only His earthly mother and John, His beloved disciple stay close by.
Oh, even God Himself, when in human form depended on the best of friends in times of darkest need... who am I to judge myself for being in foolish want...
But I was born for such a time as this... in this cold, darken and sick world where true friendship is an exception and not the rule...
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
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Suicide Note
Rachel just came back from holidays from HK and one of the interesting asides she told me about that crazy lil' island was the high instances of suicides. It seems, at least once a day, someone would throw themselves off a tall building or run in front of a moving locomotive.
Is that how China manages their overpopulation? Via HK stress?
Anyways, in retrospect, suicide is not something foreign to me. I've dealt with a few friends and even strangers who have attempted suicide and thank God, I've managed to short circuit their attempts.
As a depressed and melodramatic teen, I've often contemplated suicide. I was fortunate that at the same time, I've never had the guts to die by my own doing - nor by anyone else's. But thinking about it a lot was something I did.
There are things in life that will never be. We all have a list of those things, tugged away in the secret chambers of our hearts. I call it "The List.'
And "the list" comprises some of the things we value most. Often, it's also those things that we don't have, or will never have. They include acceptance by certain someones, things in the "looks" department, things in the "relationship" department, etc... life, as we want it... but don't have it.
For some, it's that certain someone, a trophy wife, the enviable career, the affections of someone, popularity, certain personality traits, a better body, being loved by the one you truly love, a daddy's approval, a mummy's smile, an understanding boss, a relationship that lasts more than 3 months, and "the list" goes on...
For me, one of those things on my "list" was the realization that no one will be there for me in my hour although I was always there for people in their deepest darkest hour. I was always alone, suffering in silence... screaming at a thousand decibels, but imprisoned within the walls of my heart.
Oh yes, I had a loooong "list"... some worth mentioning here is that I always felt like a failure. I was terribly shy. I suffered such low self esteem I wished I were dead. I could never keep friends for long. They'd always find someone cooler and move on. I could never have a good relationship. It was always filed with massive heartbreaks (mine or theirs). I hated the fact that I cared too much. I hated the fact that I never knew it when some chic fancied me. I always found out too late - after they were gone. There was also a lot of rejection. I was always too sincere, at my own peril... and the list goes on... if I care to remember : )
So, you can imagine how often I'd go into and out of depression. And every time that depression came, the bout would last months. And when I would hit rock bottom, I'd despair of life itself and wish to die.
Driving like a ballistic freak on the road was one of my ways to cope with my anger, frustration and disappointment, in hopes that I would somehow not make it home... how irresponsible I was... not realizing that I could have taken another innocent soul... and grieved my innocent parents and loved ones... Come to think of it, actually smoking and eating a lot is no different. We die a slower death but we still bring our loved ones into our graves with us, long before their time.
They say that self-pity kills. I must have died a thousand deaths then, before my imminent death ...
Today, I am a different person. God has changed me. And at the same time, I have grown out of that tendency. What a relief...
But "the list" still survives in the crevices of my mind somewhere. It's getting shorter though.
Somehow, just knowing that God loves me; that my wife, parents and children love me, and that I love them, does well like a river of life that washes away the items on the list... and makes me more whole...
Funny how... as "the list" gets shorter, I get happier. Contentment and thankfulness must be the key to living life to the fullest I guess. I don't think it's resigning to life's short end of the stick, but it's smiling on from within because you realize the short end of the stick is long enough... good enough for me...
I've come to learn that too often, we place our self worth on the wrong things or people - usually not the bad things, but on noble ones. Yes, "noble" is not "bad" but it can be "wrong."
Here's how: we idolize things/people and hinge our self worth on our friends, career, boss' approval, the material things we have, etc. Now, that's suicide! Because nothing or no one is perfect, consistent, nor permanent.
But once we place our self value in God, it all comes together beautifully. It's simple to understand why... God is never changing, is ever loving, is ever present, and he can't love you more than he already does, nor can he love you less. HE JUST LOVES YOU for all that you are, were and are going to be; trophies, warts, pimples and all!
It's like emotional chiropractic correction. Once the main spine is aligned, everything else falls into the right place and we're ok again.
So indeed, if "we drink" of who God is, and learn to enjoy the love and security found in him alone, we will never thirst again. Our souls will find rest and everything will fall into the right perspective. Not only that, we will find, slowly but surely, good things beginning to fall into place. That's what happened to me.
Some things won't change, and "the list" may remain there till we die, but it is we ourselves who will change, transform and outgrow that illusive "list" and there, we finally see it for what it truly was, all this time... inferior - no more a mountain too high to climb or a glorified something. It's kinda like looking at our high school pictures... and how we cringe now at the sight of our then hair-do and fashion sense - which, if we remember correctly, meant the world to us back then : )
But as I write this, I wonder how many out there are suffering the pain of rejection, despair, loneliness, emptiness, disappointment, broken promises, broken relationships, unrequited love, misplaced self-values ... and are at the verge of giving up for the umpteenth time and are screaming in silence... as I did... and considered suicide as a way out
... and yet, may you find rest in His unconditional love as I did. His love so amazing you will find freedom from your wants and then you become master, NOT slave to them... and find yourself, your calling in life and the meaning to life itself.
May you also finally find rest from the burden of sadness and confusion that has so confounded you and tripped your steps incessantly... and may you indeed rediscover hope instead of hopelessness that has cast a long shadow over your life...
...May you find Him... Perhaps a simple prayer will help... you lose nothing... to say...
'Dear God, whoever you are... reveal yourself to me, and make your benefits known to me. You made me and obviously know my form, my strengths and weaknesses. You must know the deepest truths in my heart, and the unexplainable pain. Reveal your love to me, and show your mercy on this earthly being and breathe life into me again... Set me free from my burdens and carry me to the place where my soul will find rest and be contented
I want to live a life that's full. Years full of life, and not just life full of years. May I live to being my best so that everyone around me will not be shortchanged from the best I could be and offer, whether as a son/daughter, sister/brother, friend, colleague, boss, employee, etc.
But most importantly, may I come to realize and soak in the warm embrace of your unconditional love and find rest there, centered and anchored on your love so that the storms of life will never move me again."
His word is faithful and true. He has done what he said he would do!
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
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Sunday's with Ah Ma
She lived to be 91 and saw her great grand children. Something denied to many.
She was suppose to die 12 years ago. The bloody apathetic doctor from Assunta prescribed the wrong medication and didn't care any less but told us all that the worst was at hand. He was more about quick money and closing cases than helping people. Poor fellow though; he served his wrong doing. He died of a heart attack 5 years after that erroneous diagnosis on my grandma.
Until recently, we would visit Ah Ma every other Sunday. Our conversations grew dim as the years went by. She had developed Alzheimer's and had trouble remembering who we were. We pressed on though and she cleverly managed conversations with us even though she could not place our faces.
I still dream of her. She's so alive in my head and heart. I awaken only to find that she's not here with us anymore.
She would visit my Ah Kong's grave every "cheng beng" season; around the Easter period. This year was the first year the sons did not want to take her because she had just been released from the hospital from internal bleeding. She never missed a single visit to my grandfather's grave site since he passed away 30 plus years ago. But she must have caught wind of this conspiracy. And so she raced ahead of us all, 3 days before the scheduled visit. She's now hand in hand with Ah Kong rejoicing in heaven, like how one relay runner congratulates another when they finally meet at the finish line.
Down here on earth, we were consoled by the faces that came for the memorial services and funeral. One quite significant was Cecilia, Bernard's wife. We haven't seen both Bernard and Cecilia in a while, yet, she came. And there she was, looking into my Ah Ma's casket, gazing intensely and I could see love radiating from her face. It was as if she was looking at her own grandmother's face. Funny thing is, she never knew my grandmother. "Such beauty, such love," I thought.
And there at the corner, still sobbing away and devastated, was my Ah Ma's maid Ema. She was there in Ah Ma's final hour. And I thought, "Here's a true practicing Muslim who fasts and does all the things Muslims should do, but took care of an old Christian lady who was every bit Christian; and they had such a beautiful friendship." Ah Ma clearly loved her and she loved Ah Ma too (and the bloody politicians have to divide us one from another with the racial and religious trump card).
With her youth and good looks, Ema could have easily opted to go home to be married, yet she stayed back all these years to take care of Ah Ma... such a wonderful soul. You can imagine now, how it wasn't difficult to love Ah Ma.
Ah Ma lived life to the fullest. Imagine, a woman with almost no education raising 10 children, who are successful in their own right. An astronomical feat by anyone's account. She's read the Bible from cover to cover numerous times.
While women today thrive in the corporate world, Ah Ma managed 10 precious souls. All have become fine specimens of adults, corporate leaders, spiritual leaders, model fathers and mothers. And despite their successes, all have their feet firmly footed on the ground.
Ah Ma was always succinct in the advise she gave. She never minced her words but was also without malice. She would always hit the bulls eye when she gave any advise.
She taught us to live honorably, honestly and to do the best we could while we could. She would say, "Don't disappoint others, don't disappoint your bosses, don't disappoint your staff but most of all, don't disappoint yourself."
She also would say, "Don't pity yourself, but get up and walk on. You'll fail if you pity yourself, and never realize the victory that's around the corner. So get up."
She taught us faith and the tranquility that comes with faith. She would say, "What's the problem? Why are you so worried. Come, let's bring this matter to God and pray about it." And so God always honoured her prayers, and today, down to her grandchildren, we've all experienced mountain-moving answers to our prayers.
What a legacy indeed!
Ah Ma was never partial. She loved us all the same. She used the "rotan" on some of us more than others depending on whether we were naughty or not. But she never failed to spoil us with "ice kling".
At lunch, after Ah Ma's funeral, big uncle gave ang pows to some of the cousins who scored top A's in their recent SPM and other major exams. While I was happy they received recognition for their hard work, I was also saddened because that act did not reflect what Ah Ma would have done. She appreciated success as defined by A's but she demonstrated love fairly to all.
She is sorely missed, but her legacy lives on. Her walk is not in vain. Generations will called her blessed, because of who she was. She was indeed a daughter of the Lord. True and tried, patient in tribulation, loving at all times, firm with all things, fervent in prayer and hope, and impartial to all! -
Goodbye Ah Ma...
I was at Lin Wei's, Ampang. She had fractured her leg, so I had to visit. Cindy came along.
I had just finished defending how having 10 well brought up children was better than having just 1. I explained to Lin Wei's mom how my grandma have in total 10 children and NONE have been delinquent in caring for their mother. All share their little and plenty and bless Ah Ma every month with personal visits, finances and goodies. All chip in for her hospital bills and other comforts.
And then the phone rang. "Ah Ma passed away," said my sister. "What?" I retorted... not knowing how to react... I had no answers...
And so I dropped Cindy off and headed straight to my Ah Ma's in PJ. I was tempted to not go. I did not want to see all the crying. But I knew that that would be simply selfish.
And then I thought about my mom and the grief she would be suffering now. I love my mom and so I had to be there for her when it mattered most. She was always there for me... And so I went...
And there they were, all standing and some sitting beside her lifeless body, praying and thanking God for her awesome life.
Tears involuntarily streamed down and I was overcome with grief. I could not believe it had happened so fast. Just 12 days after she was discharged from hospital.
As I stood there shoulder to shoulder with my cousin Martin and uncle SK, we sobbed and we prayed... and as I looked around, I lamented: "There is life in death. Even in such a close knitted family, Ah Ma's death brought everyone closer in an instant. Even as death took place, the depths of our hearts became alive, and love overflowed.
No pretense, no machismo, but in all real humility, the men along with the women cried openly. How ironic... life in death....
I could only imagine how even torn families with soured relationships may at that moment repair itself and put differences aside... unite and brave the mourning together...
Ah, but tonite, I mourn the lost of my beloved Ah Ma... my beloved Ah Ma... I said My beloved Ah Ma... Goodbye Ah Ma... rest well...
And this is our comfort: that because Jesus loves her, He's taken her home, to a better place where she rejoins her beloveds... Ah Kong and Aunt Annie.... and there will be no more pain and suffering... and one day, we will all be together for all eternity. Hallelujah! Amen!
Saturday, 07 March 2009
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Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not easy, but certainly unparalleled when it comes to healing the heart and mending relationships.
Forgiveness is not easy because it means we have to give up. We have to give up our pride; we have to give up our rights; we have to give up our sense of justice (wanting to be proven right); we have to give up our agendas (making the other person feel what you felt) and we have to give up our deepest feelings (self-pity).
The ease of forgiving also varies in degree. It depends on the degree of the misdeed done to us.
At any rate, forgiveness releases. It releases us from further damage.
If we don't forgive, it's like walking around with a knife left in our thighs. We refuse to have it taken out because we want to remember that we've been treated unjustly and we want to openly display to the whole world and especially to the one who hurt us, the severity of what they had done to us.
But in the end, it is us who suffer most. Not the one who hurt us.
Forgiveness is also not an emotion. It is a choice. A conscious decision. It is not a result of good feelings, but a firm decision regardless of how we feel. It's kinda like applying medicine to a physical wound. You apply it onto your wounds regardless of how you feel - if you want to be well, that is. And the application may not be once, but numerous times until healing happens.
The Bible tells us that we ought to forgive not once, but many times. I never understood that until I understood the simple concept above. It's really like applying medicine. It gets better with more applications.
Recently at work, my budgets were slashes into an impossible amount while the expectations to perform were not lowered. When I went to see the person in charge of finances, he did not even give me a chance to defend why I needed that certain amount. He dismissed me as being "lavished." I was annoyed.
What was initially an annoyance, became a resentment. I resented that statement. I felt accused of being irresponsible with finances. And here, you've put me to head an important project, to give the best to underprivileged children, entrusted me to do the right thing, but you cut my budget and to add insult to injury, accuse me for being extravagant. It's like chopping my legs, and still accuse me for wearing nice shoes and yet expect me to run a 100 meter race.
Needless to say, I was seething with anger that whole evening after the meeting. And guess what? My badminton sucked that evening and I could not sleep for 2 nights.
I had another game 2 evenings later and as expected, I played terribly. I thought I could channel all my frustration into the poor shuttlecock and it'll all be fine. But I sucked. And then a gentle whisper came to my ear (as God always does). "Joshua, why are you plagued with anger?" Let go, forgive and see yourself set free." I immediately brought to mind that fellow that I was crossed with and I made a decision against my feelings and I said, "I forgive you." I must have said it many times. And would you believe it, my shoulders began to loosen up, and my game went from zero to hero.
I still feel some resentment every time that face comes to mind, but I apply forgiveness and I'm good. I'm instantly free of hate and anger. I instead pity the poor chap for his ignorance.
I'll always remember what Sila Lee of The Marriage Course said. "Only God's justice is perfect. None of ours, because we are all equally guilty of imperfection and equally in need of forgiveness."
So revenge is out. Harboring anger is self-destructive. Resentment changes nothing. Bitterness nurtures "emotional cancer" in us.
What is within our power to do is this: to forgive. It simply sets us free!
I've learnt that God never wastes words. If He said to forgive, there are more reasons than one why should forgive, and it's always for our own good because He loves us more than anyone could!
I leave you with a link to Corrie ten Boom's story. She was a woman who suffered the hell of concentration camp where her sister was tortured to death. One day, many years later, while she was sharing her experiences to an audience, she saw in a distance, the same man who was partly responsible for her sister's death... one of the cruelest guards at the camp.... http://www.crossway.org/product/663575723080
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joshmosh
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- Name: Joshua
- Birthday: 11/20/1973
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 5/16/2006
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